Sessions With Self: Volume 4
One of my close friends is getting married in a few weeks. He mentioned that an old mutual friend I haven’t seen in years is going to the wedding and will be sitting at my table.
However, this is not some ordinary old friend, it’s someone I was close with for many years, but after several falling outs and growing apart, I decided to call it quit on our friendship many years ago.
After learning I will see him in a few weeks, I started to feel anxious about it, but I wasn’t exactly sure why.
In my mind, I had put that part of my life and our relationship behind me.
The easy answer would be the sheer discomfort and awkwardness of not just seeing him but having to sit at the same table with him. I don’t care if it’s your own mother — seeing anyone for the first time after being estranged from them is never easy.
But I knew it had to be more than this, especially since I went from excitement to dread when thinking about this wedding. So I knew I had to get to the bottom of these feelings.
A few days later, while in my morning meditation, it came to me plain and simple:
I still have anger towards him.
It was as if the Universe was telling me:
“Hold on there fella. You have a bit more letting go to do. There’s still some more forgiving to do.”
Forgiveness is a lifelong process. Just like you never reach a point in which you are done meditating or exercising your body, you never stop having to forgive. Unless you are a Buddha, everyone has to keep forgiving.
Like in meditation or mindfulness practice, taming the mind to relax and be still can always feel like a challenge, but in time you learn to go deeper in your practice.
The same goes for forgiveness: breaking down the mind’s fortress of self-preservation is never easy, but our job is to keep coming back to forgiveness in order to open our hearts even more.
Recently, I started learning EFT tapping. This week I took part in a group tap, and the theme for the session was coincidentally forgiveness. As I was tapping away on my chest while repeating the prompts from the instructor, an insight was whispered to me and echoed through my heart:
All forgiveness is self-forgiveness.
I’m not sure where I first heard this piece of wisdom, but at that moment, it never resonated more deeply.
My heart implored:
As I continued tapping, I asked: What do I need to forgive myself for?
These insights at that moment never felt more true: all anger, bitterness, and uneasiness with anyone starts and ends with me.
I am grateful to my soul for reminding me of this. It’s clear I have a lot more work to do.
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