Experiencing Life As The Eternal Outsider

Sessions With Self: Volume 2

The theme song of my spiritual path.

We all have a “theme song” to our spiritual journey. Most of us have several.

These show themselves when we repeatedly experience the same familiar challenges, feelings, thoughts, and behavior patterns throughout our life. They play subtly in the background as part of the soundtrack to our human experience.

One of my lifelong themes is feeling like I am always viewing the world from the outside looking in, specifically when I’m in a group setting. It’s as if I’m an observing outsider, completely removed from the interaction.

Call me the eternal people watcher.

Recently, I got together with some long-time friends I haven’t seen in a while. Amid all the banter, those same ol’ “outsider” feelings began to come over me.

And right on cue, that’s all it took for my mind to start affirming these familiar feelings.

“I don’t fit in.”
“I’m such an outsider.”
“No one understands me.”
“I’m different. They all must think I’m a weirdo.”

Why do I experience this?

Having explored this extensively throughout my life, I know these thoughts are mere projections. Cognitively, I know no one is judging me, but rather it’s me who is judging myself.

And this is because:

Deep down, I unconsciously believe I am an outsider.
Deep down, I unconsciously believe I don’t fit in.
And in turn, I experience reality in this manner.

It’s all part of a conditioned state of being memorized since childhood.

Growing up, I experienced my immediate family (mom, dad, and sisters) as being outsiders within our larger family. This caused feelings of shame and isolation during larger family gatherings.
When I was in elementary school, this was reinforced. I wasn’t part of the “in-crowd” or a popular kid, so I experienced the same feelings of disconnection.
Eventually, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unconsciously, I would purposely separate myself from others because it felt safe. Playing “the outsider” was familiar and predictable.

Here’s how I help myself.

1. Mindfulness

It starts with working to recognize when I’m purposely sabotaging myself to reinforce these limiting beliefs. I try to be mindful of anything I am doing to create that narrative.

I check my energy
Consider my body posture and facial expressions.
Am I making eye contact?
Am I deliberately keeping to myself?

A good practice that has helped me is setting the intention of how I want to experience a particular social event before it actually happens that I know might cause me to go unconscious.

I either do this with visualization exercises or by journaling. I ask myself

How do I want to feel during this event?
What expression of myself would I like to share with others today?

In addition, during these actual social situations, I do my best to stay present and notice when I have any limited thought patterns of “I don’t fit in.”

2. Radical Acceptance

I’ve slowly learned to come to terms with these feelings and thoughts. Instead of trying to push them away or even change them, I accept this as part of my human journey.

It doesn’t mean I stop trying to work to be better.

It means, rather than being hell-bent on trying to break the pattern, I work to change my relationship with it—by trying to understand these struggles more deeply while letting them be.

Psychologist Carl Rogers refers to this as the “curious paradox” which says

“When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

When we stop focusing our energy on trying to change and simply learn to accept who we are, flaws and all, ironically, this is what creates space for personal growth.

Additionally, sometimes feelings can run so deep and are so conditioned that you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to fix them — because it can feel like you are fighting an uphill battle.

When you spend your time lamenting over a part of yourself you wish was different, you begin to miss out on living the parts of your life you cherish.
Thinking something is wrong with you is never the answer to healing.

3. My Soul’s Mandate

Your soul came here to learn certain lessons. Many of these come in the form of struggles. You will keep experiencing these same struggles repeatedly until you fully learn the lesson.

These themes and difficult patterns are part of your spiritual journey and make them beautiful in their own right.

They are unique to your path.

And maybe for me, the ongoing experience of viewing the world as an “outsider” is part of mine. And I accept that.

It’s could be something my soul needs me to keep exploring and maybe for the entirety of my current physical life.

Could there be a greater truth waiting to be discovered?
Could this pattern turn into something sacred?
Could the anguish I experienced from battling this issue eventually turn into something so worth it and irrelevant at the same time?

Next time you hear that familiar “theme song” of your life playing in the background, consider these questions.